INT. – BEDROOM

CLAUDE plays with a ping pong ball, bouncing it off the wall and ceiling over and over and over and over. CLAUDIA tries to get ready. She stares at herself in the mirror and makes sexy faces.

CLAUDE

We’re late you know. You said to be ready at 2:30, and it’s now 2:47, so clearly we’re late. Not that I care. We’re going to see your family not mine, and your family hates me. Not as much as my family hates you, but they definitely hate me-

CLAUDIA
Claude, please, don’t start-

CLAUDE
Don’t start? I didn’t start. I’m just pointing out that you’re late, and it’s part of a pattern in your highly dysfunctional, passive agrressive family dynamic-

CLAUDIA
Claude!

CLAUDE
Yes, darling…

CLAUDIA
Do you love me?

CLAUDE
Obviously I love you. If I didn’t love you, would we be having this discussion right now? Why do you keep asking me things that are so obvious?

CLAUDIA
Because my mother hates me…

CLAUDE
Your mother doesn’t hate you. Your mother loves you. It’s my mother who hates you. Not as much as your mother hates me, but she definitely hates you-

CLAUDIA
Claude, please, stop!

CLAUDE
Stop what?

CLAUDIA
I feel like I’m a bug under a microscope, like a bug on its belly, and I’m just flailing my arms and legs, and no one will turn me over… Claude, how do I look?

CLAUDE
You look great…

CLAUDIA
No but, really, how do I look?

CLAUDE
You look great…

CLAUDIA
Claude, seriously, how do I look?

CLAUDE
You look great, great, great, great, great…

CLAUDIA
Will you please stop saying I look great?

CLAUDE
Sorry…

CLAUDIA
Do I look fat?

CLAUDE
No…

CLAUDIA
I look fat.

CLAUDE
You don’t look fat-

CLAUDIA
Fat, fat, fat-

CLAUDE
Claudia, you are one of the top fashion models in LA, is that correct?

CLAUDIA
I don’t know…

CLAUDE
Are you, or are you not one of the top fashion models in LA?

CLAUDIA
I suppose…

CLAUDE
Are you, or you not, one of the top fashion models in LA?

CLAUDIA
Well…

CLAUDE
Yes or no-

CLAUDIA
I don’t want to play this game-

CLAUDE
Yes or no, yes or no, yes or no-

CLAUDIA
Yes, yes, yes!

CLAUDE
And why do you suppose you’re one of the top fashion models in LA?

CLAUDIA
I don’t know. I guess I know a lot about cosmetics-

CLAUDE
Cosmetics? That’s absurd. You don’t get to be in the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because you know a lot about cosmetics. You have to be a stunning, drop dead, gorgeous beauty to wind up in the swim suit issue of Sports Illustrated. That is a known, empirical, objective fact. It is the zenith, the nadir, the very pinnacle of the modelling world. Claudia, you are a beautiful woman, but who the fuck cares? Because you get old, and you get wrinkled, and sag, and you die. You’re beautiful inside, that’s what matters. You’re kind, you’re funny, you’re sweet, you’re smart, you’re a great fuck, and my best friend in the whole world. Claudia, my God, look at yourself, there’s fireflies in your eyes, and waterfalls in your hair, and flowers in your smile. Claudia, my dear, you’re an incredible work of art.

CLAUDIA
You hate my legs, don’t you?

CLAUDE
What are you talking about?

CLAUDIA
You mentioned my eyes, and my hair, and my lips, but you never mentioned my legs, and don’t think I don’t know why – I know why. Cause my legs are fat. Big, chunky, fatty legs. That’s what my mother said at Christmas-

CLAUDE
Claudia, will you stop, please-

CLAUDIA
She said, "Claudia, you’ve always had those big chunky legs"-

CLAUDE
Claudia, honey, you’re having a breakdown-

CLAUDIA
(having a breakdown)
Big fat, chunky legs, big chunks of fatty thigh flesh just hanging there. I’m only gonna eat grapefruit, grapefruit has an acid that actually attacks the fatty pools of cellulite-

Claude, exasperated, bounces the ping-pong ball off Claudia’s forehead. This brings her back to her senses. She laughs, then cries, then laughs, then cries again.

CLAUDIA
Thank you, Claude-

CLAUDE
You’re thanking me?

CLAUDIA
Yes…

CLAUDE
For what?

CLAUDIA
For hitting me in the head with the ping pong ball-

CLAUDE
It was my pleasure.

CLAUDIA
Come here…

CLAUDE
We’re late you know…

CLAUDIA
I set all the clocks ahead an hour…

CLAUDE
So we’re not late…

CLAUDIA
No… And I want to show you my gratitude…

CLAUDE
And where would I find that?

CLAUDIA
Right next to my tattoo…

CLAUDE
I see…

Claudia grabs Claude, and pulls him to her. She kisses him sweetly.

THE END