I fucked a retard once. Oh, yeah. And I don’t mean somebody who’s just stupid, I mean a genuine bona fide total retard. She was hanging out by the Bridge in the park, and as soon as I seen her, I knew this chick was all messed up. Her head was too big at the top and too small at the bottom, like a ice cream cone. No shit, she probably wears a size twenty hat, but you could pop a balloon with her chin that’s how pointy it is. And her puss was all red and splotched-out, and her teeth were all nasty and brown and wore down, like she gnashed the hell out of em. And her body was all out of wack, you know, she had these big linebacker shoulders, little bitty titties, kind of a gut, and a monster truck ass, and tooth pickin’ legs, and you could see everything cuz her shorts and her t-shirt were three sizes too small at least. And when I got closer, guess what? She had cross eyes. No shit. You know, like when you’re a kid and you cross your eyes for a goof? Only this shit wasn’t no goof, this shit was for real. Her face looked like a jack o’lantern that got carved by a kid who didn’t know what the hell he was doing.

I got no idea how old she was, cuz she was like a mutant, you know, like an alien from some galaxy far far away where everybody’s a retard. But I know she wasn’t a little kid, I don’t play that way, that shit is twisted. And she wasn’t an old bag either, although I wouldn’t mind boffing some old bag, I’ve thought about that, that would be kinda hot, really, you know, take her wig off, get her to take her teeth out, and just bang the hell out of her, while the Perry Como tunes are cranking, and pictures of her dead husband are staring at you.

But the spookiest thing about this retard chick was that she was always smiling this shit-smoking smile. She just looked so happy, you know, like she heard some funny-as-hell joke that nobody else could hear. This was one happy retard, for real. But the weird thing is that even though she had that whole Village Idiot thing going on, she was hot, she really was. I was standing there looking at her, and I could feel my wood starting to take root.

So I started talking to her, you know, to get her 411, but she just kept smiling that retard smile, with her eyes crossed as hell. Only problem was I didn’t know where to look, you know, I was looking at her left eye, then her right eye, then her left again until I was getting cross-eyed, for real. So I thought, the hell with it, and I tried talking to her again, only real slow: “Hello. I’m. Rowdy. Ron. How. Are. You?” Well, she perks right the hell up, and she says, “Hello, I’m Peggy, I’m fine, how are you?” Only she said it like she was a retard robot somebody programmed to talk like a human being. Then she sticks out her hand, and I shake it. And this retard chick, she had an awesome handshake: firm, but not like a muscle-head, single pump with a little squeeze, better than alotta guys if you wanna know the truth. So she’s smiling her ass off, and giving me this tremendous handshake, for real, so I start smiling, and I’m thinking, this is cool, hanging with this hot retard chick in the park. So I go, “What. Do. You. Do. For. Fun. Peggy?” like I’m one of those learning-English-for-Morons tapes. So Peggy perks up even perkier, and she says, “I like to dance!” Then she just starts dancing. No shit. Right there in the park. There’s no music, of course. Or maybe the music is in her head, I don’t know what retards have going on in the heads, but there must be some slamming jams in there, because this retard chick could really dance. For real. She was doing this Ann-Margaret go-go type dance, seriously Viva Las Vegas. So this retard chick is bobbing her retard head, and shaking her cootchie, and moving her arms up and down over her head, totally into it, going nuts, but totally hot, for real, I’m not making this up. And I was really started feeling the wood, so, you’re not gonna believe this, but I started dancing with this retard chick, right in the middle of the park. I know it sounds weird, but it wasn’t, it was really excellent.

Then she started clapping her hands, and I figured what the hell, the song must be over, so I start clapping my hands, and that gets her all excited and she starts clapping harder and giggling, and then she hugs me. For real. This retard chick gives me a totally cool hug. Not one of those suffocating ones, like your old lady gives you when she’s been drinking too much, where you wanna say, “Enough Ma, you’re killing me here.” No, I could feel her whole body, and it was solid, for real. Now I’m totally wooded-up, and I’m afraid she’s gonna think it’s weird that I’m sporting all this knotty pine, but she doesn’t seem to give a damn, so what the hell.

So I go, “Hey. Peggy. Would. You. Like. To. Go. For. A. Walk?” She nods her head and grabs my hand. So I take her into the woods, to this place by the waterfall where no one can see you, and she just stood there smiling. I didn’t know what the fuck to do, I mean I could imagine somebody coming up there and seeing me with her, and thinking I was a sick bastard, you know, I mean they could probably put you in the hooskow for stuff like that.

Then I looked at her, staring in one eye, then the other, so she knew I was serious, and she was still smiling away, and I don’t know why, but I reached over and kissed her on the cheek. She started grinning really hard, and she reached over and kissed me on the cheek. So I took this as a sign, you know, like that she was into it. So I laid her down in the grass and I took out my thing, and I swear it was a cord of firewood, you could hang a towel on it, for real. So I put her hand on it, and she’s grinning away, like she’s totally into it, and I show her how to move her hand up and down, you know, like Jack Off 101. And I swear, once she got the hang of it, she was beating away like an old pro, for real, I had to slow her down or I woulda popped a bolt right there. And she was all wet, man. Really wet. And clean, too, she smelled good, and her little clit was all puffed up and I was really working her over good, she was breathing hard and making these crazy animal sounds, all down in her throat, I mean she was totally getting off, her whole body was shaking and baking, and her hands were grabbing, it was so hot, seriously, she was hotter than any normal chicks I was ever with, and I’ve been with a lot of chicks. So then I get her on top of me, and I pull her shirt off, and she’s got this major nipple action going on, serious nipples, my friend. Then I slap a helmet on, which I always carry with me, cuz you never know when you’re gonna run into a horny retard, right? And I line her up cowgirl style so she’s straddling my thing, and I show her how to move her hips, and Oh baby, she was so tight. I never felt a chick so tight as this chick, and I was thinking maybe she never had any before, like maybe I was her first. Which would be totally cool.

So I just let her work it. She was squirming around, getting comfortable with it, right, and she’d stop for a minute and try a different angle, smiling that big beautiful retard smile the whole time, and I had to seriously stop myself from popping nut, man, for real. So she finally got all my wood loaded in, and I started her hips moving, and she starts slow dancing on my thing, for real, just grinding away, a little faster and a little faster until she’s doing her Anne-Margaret go-go on my ten acres of wood, and she starts breathing hard again, and she’s making more of those crazy hot animal growl sounds, and her tongue starts hanging out, and her face gets even redder, and all twisted up, and all of a sudden you can tell she’s gonna blow her top, this crazy retard chick is gonna bust a load all over me, and then she lets out this heavy metal wail man, screaming like a banshee, I mean thank God nobody was around there, cuz they woulda thought I was killing her, instead of boffing her.

And then the freakiest thing yet happened: right when she was going ballistic, her eyes roll back in her head, and they uncross. She was looking right at me, and her eyes uncrossed. And I swear to God, I couldn’t stop myself, I just let my load blow, and I mean, I lost it, like I was shooting my brain out the end of my thing.

Then when I came to and I looked at her, her eyes were crossed again. But now I was starting to get used to it, and I was starting to kinda like it. And she had that huge goofy smile smiling right at me. And you know what this crazy babe did? She bent down and gave me a big kiss on my cheek. It was so sweet. For real. And I don’t go in for that stuff, you can ask anybody.

I been thinking about that chick a lot since then, which was last Friday. I kinda wish she wasn’t a retard, cuz I’d really like to hang with this chick, but then if she wasn’t a retard she’d be just some other dopey chick who wants to take your money and break your heart. I been thinking about this a lot, for real, but it’s like, what the hell am I gonna say, “Hi Mom, hi Dad, this is Peggy my retard girlfriend.” I don’t think so.

I had this freaky dream the other night where I was getting married to Peggy, and all my buds were there and my Mom and Dad, and my brother Greg, the whole crew, with the preacher and all, and Peggy’s face was behind a white veil so you couldn’t see it, and we were walking down the aisle, and then we got to the preacher, and I looked around, everybody was a retard. I was freaked out, for real. Then Peggy pulls up her veil and she’s not a retard at all. She looks normal, like the girl who sat behind you in algebra. I wondered what I looked like in the dream. Did I look like a retard? I don’t know, but I’m back going down to the park today, to dance with Peggy again.