Vatican Announces Video Series: Priests Gone Wild!!!

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The Pope and his people, reacting to recent allegations that he actively participated in covering up for pedophile priests who violently and repeatedly raped deaf boys, are allegedly on the verge of making a deal with legendary producer Joe Francis to produce a video series tentatively titled, “Priests Gone Wild.”

“The Pope is totally stoked,” alleged one of his closest confidant, resplendently decked out in a purple ermine-trimmed robe glittering with Papal bling, “he’s talking about a director’s cut, he’s gonna do a bonus audio track, and we put together a blooper reel that is seriously lol.I thank God every day I got in on the ground floor of this because it’s gonna be huge.We’re going to do a whole line of Papally blessed adult products.The Vicar of Jesus Prostate Massager, the Pontiff Pocket P*ssy, and my favorite the Pope on a Rope, which is a soap and a fun adult toy for the whole family that leaves you feeling holy and clean inside and out.”

After decades of Catholic priests preying upon the very children whose souls and care they were responsible for, and the systematic cover-up of this sexual abuse, the latest news that Pope Benedict XVI, when he was Cardinal John Ratzinger, personally stifled the investigation of yet another pedophile priest has rocked the Vatican.Coming as it does on the heels of a gay prostitution ring supplying male hustlers to higher-ups in the very heart of the Catholic Church, the fact that this time the priest, Milwaukee’s Lawrence Murphy, is accused of sexually molesting over 200 deaf boys over the course of a quarter decade, has caused a firestorm of controversy.Add this to the fact that in Italy over 20 predator priests have been sexually victimizing upwards of 50 deaf boys and girls at the Antonio Provolo Institute for the Deaf, and even the most devout Catholics are beginning to wonder why the Church has become a haven for fostering and protecting men who have sex with children.Alessandro Vantini, a survivor of relentless sodomizing at the hands of Catholic priests, declared that eventually he felt like, “I was dead.”And just two weeks ago, it was revealed that when Ratzinger was in charge of the archdiocese of Munich, he facilitated yet another predator priest who was sexually violating children.In fact, over 5,000 priests and deacons worldwide have been identified as sexual and physical abusers of minors, many of them in orphanages and reform schools.  Only 2% of those priests have received prison sentences.  In Ireland, the Catholic Church has settled with 48 victims, costing over €8 million, which outraged parishioners are now being asked to pay.In America the settlements have been staggering.In Pittsburgh, $1.25 million; in San Diego, $198 million; and in the Los Angeles diocese alone has paid out over $750 million.  When you add all this up it’s easy to see why the Pope and the entire Catholic hierarchy were keen to rethink their strategy as they move forward in the wake of almost universal hatred.

“Hey, Pope Benny 26 is fed up.He’s pissed off,” one of his inner circle is alleged to have said, “and he wants to show everybody they have messed with the wrong Holy Father.I mean seriously, why are they always picking on us?Just because we enjoy using children for sex, that doesn’t make us evil.Lots of people are doing it.And these kids, especially the deaf ones, are now much closer to God because of all the holy bodily fluid the Catholic Church pumped into them for years.But that’s all the past.We’re putting a whole new spin on the brand.The Pope’s gonna be rocking YouTube, he’s getting his blog on, he’s all Twittered up, I’m serious, the man is a tweeting machine.And he told me today he’s bound and determined, with the help of Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior, to have more followers than Ashton Kutcher and Conan O’Brien combined.The Prince of the Apostles is going viral baby, this is definitely not your father’s Pope!So, we’ve got all this cool product we’re about to launch, and we’re developing a new Nuns Gone Wild Spring Break series that is mad hot, I mean crazy off the hook hot, believe me, nobody parties harder than a drunk nun.Not only is it going to make the Pope a serious playa, but we can use the money to pay off all the lawsuits.Win-win, right?”

When contacted, the Vatican refused to comment.

About David Sterry

David Henry Sterry is the author of 15 books, a performer, muckraker, educator, book editor, activist, and book doctor. His first memoir, Chicken, was an international bestseller, and has been translated into 10 languages. “As laconic as Dashiell Hammett, as viscerally hallucinogenic as Hunter S Thompson. Sex, violence, drugs, love, hate, and great writing, what more could you ask for?” – The Irish Times.

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